In the spirit of Twain's sardonic approach to advice-giving, write a satirical advice piece.  While this assignment encourages you to be creative and have fun, be sure to refer to and integrate quotes from Twain's essay, beginning with a summary of it.

 
     “If a person offends you... do not resort to extreme measures,” says Mark Twain in his lecture “Advice to Youth”; and then he adds “...simply watch your chance and hit him with a brick’ (423). Why not?  It will serve several purposes simultaneously. First one will wreak revenge on his offender. Secondly, the latter will not be able to offend this person again. Finally, it is a great opportunity to wreak anger on somebody, and who cares whether the person had made the offense intentionally or not. Now, who can bet that it is not helpful advice? Or, isn’t Twain right saying: “Always obey your parents...” of course, “...when they are present” (423)? Again it is so useful! A person will worm himself into the parents’ confidence, which eventually will give him big freedom. What could be better?

    Mark Twain shares even more invaluable advice with us, such as: “[B]e very careful about lying; otherwise you are nearly sure to get caught” (423). All of Twain’s suggestions can be used as formulas to achieve success; however, there are many other ways that may guarantee progress. For example, everyone is being taught to love and help neighbors, but it is impossible for one to do so without loving himself. Thus, always love yourself and assist yourself first and you don’t have to worry about others: if they act as you do, they won’t need your love and help. Actually, about help: don’t help anyone! Otherwise the person you helped will hate you forever! A human being is primitive enough to be able to forgive you the fact that at some period of his life it happened that you were more powerful and he had to ask for your assistance. So, just for your safety, don’t help people!

    Also, it will never do to let people speak as much as they want to finish their thought. After all, life is short and you don’t have much time to listen to others’ chats. Seventy percent of the time they will tell you the information you already know and they won’t consider your willingness to hear it. Moreover, they may even try to convince you that their style of thinking is the only correct one. Then, why do you have to be respectful to such enemies of your individuality? Simply don’t pay much attention when others speak and cut them off if you want to say something you think is important.

    By the way, you don’t have to bother yourself with asking for an apology. For instance, in his lecture Mark Twain suggests that if you find out that the person you have hit with a brick didn’t intend to offend you, confess and say you didn’t mean  to. However, what is the point in confessing after you have already done your work? Do you think it might hurt a person you have hit less if he has your apology? Don’t be deluded by such a misbelief, because the person is not going to forgive you anyway; furthermore, the apology will even irritate him. So, in order to be a kind and nice person, and not one who irritates other people, don’t ask for forgiveness!

    Oh, I have almost forgotten! Do not become unhappy when you realize that everyone has become mad at you, or behaves selfishly or rudely toward you. Do not be afraid of the feeling of loneliness. This is the inevitable response to your behavior. Moreover, look around and you will understand: your behavior resembles everyone else’s. As Mark Twain said: “Build your character thoughtfully and painstakingly upon these precepts, and by and by, when you have got it built, you will be surprised and gratified to see how nicely and sharply it resembles everybody else’s (425).” What more can be added to the words of such a great writer?

                                                            Work Cited

Twain, Mark. “Advice to Youth”. The Short Prose Reader. 9h Ed. Gilbert H. Muller.  Boston: McGraw Hill, 2000. 423-425.

Writing Task

Short Text Response Essay "Take It From Me" by    Torosian

1.    What background information does Torosian include about Mark Twain’s lecture so that the reader can understand the nature of both Twain’s
        lecture and Torosian’s response? Give specific examples.

2.    What is Torosian’s main argument? Paraphrase in your own words.

3.    What does the title “Take it From Me…” means in the context of the essay?

4.    How does Torosian effectively utilize Twain’s own words to further her argument? Give specific examples.

5.    Do you think this is a humorous essay? How does humor effect the reader?

6.    How effective is the conclusion?

7.    What advice would you like to add?