Dear College of Education Community,
One form of self-care practice that can be very healing is learning how to forgive others for the injustices that we have experienced. Forgiveness is a moral virtue like justice or patience or kindness that must be cultivated from continual practice. According to Dr. Bob Enright, a professor in the College of Education at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, and founder of the International Forgiveness Institute, the following points are important to understand when engaging in forgiveness:
Forgiveness happens one step at a time: To lead a forgiving life, you must take one forgiveness step at a time and forgive a particular person for a particular event, and then realize that this could be more than just a onetime event that makes you feel good. It can be a way of practicing goodness toward others who have been unfair to us starting from childhood, through adolescence, into adulthood and beyond. So that this practice of goodness in the face of injustice can help one psychologically and enliven one's relationships, and in fact give a meaning to life; a sense of hope that a person didn't think possible until saying yes to leading this forgiving life.
Forgiveness does not excuse the wrong: People also think that when they forgive they are excusing what the other person did, saying, "It's okay." Forgiveness is stronger than that. Forgiveness stands on the truth that what happened to me was unfair, it is unfair, and it will always be unfair, but I will have a new response to it.
Forgiveness does not mean going into an unhealthy relationship again: Another misunderstanding is that people acquaint forgiving and reconciling. They say "Because I have a response of goodness towards the other, a sense of mercy and compassion towards another who has hurt me, I must now go into an unhealthy relationship again." No - forgiveness is a moral virtue like justice. Reconciliation is not a moral virtue - it takes two people or more to come together again in mutual trust. One can forgive without reconciling; one does forgive without ever excusing; when one forgives it is never from a position of weakness and when one forgives one also seeks justice at the same time. It's a very strong position.
Forgiving oneself is the most difficult- “You know [who] is the hardest to forgive? Hands down, yourself,” says Dr. Enright, forgiveness researcher. “Forgiving oneself is the roughest, because we tend to be hardest on ourselves. When we let ourselves down, our conscience, of course, keeps whispering, and we don’t want to let ourselves off the hook. My counsel to people is this: ask, ‘Have you forgiven others?’ The answer almost always is, ‘Yes.’ What does that involve? Well, it involves gentleness toward the other. It involves seeing them as having worth … and having mercy on [them], because they are special, unique, and irreplaceable — not because of what they’ve done, but in spite of it. So then I say, ‘Now go and do for yourself what you have done for others. Turn that gentleness on yourself.’ ”
Foe more information about forgiveness, please watch this YouTube https://www.apa.org/pubs/books/interviews/4441016-enright and read the following APA recommended books by Dr. Enright
Forgiveness Is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope
Forgiveness Therapy: An Empirical Guide for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope
The Forgiving Life: A Pathway to Overcoming Resentment and Creating a Legacy of Love
For a list of other self-care options, you can also go to our COE self-care website for resources for faculty, staff, students, and the community at
https://www.csun.edu/eisner-education/self-care
Forgiveness can be a gift if practiced with the understanding that in doing this, we also must move forward in making our world a better place.
Warmly,
Shari