Dear College of Education Community,
As we move into the most busy time of the academic year, the celebrations will keep increasing, the demands on us will keep mounting and so will the possibility of increased stress and exhaustion. So when is it OK to set boundaries and say “no” to too much of a good thing? Many of the demands on our time and energy involve important responsibilities we must meet, especially as others rely on us to meet work duties, end of year student celebrations, and other requirements. But there are ways that we can organize work with health breaks, or, especially in our personal lives, ways to set boundaries on how much energy we can afford to expend in outside activities during these busy time periods. A Psychology Today blog offers the following
6 tips for healthy boundary setting in our personal lives-with kindness!
1. If appropriate to the situation, sample phrasings and a formula to follow:
- “I appreciate you and the invitation. And I’m sorry I won’t be joining.”
- “I appreciate you. And I understand that it might feel bad that I won't be [doing X, participating, volunteering, attending, etc.].”
If you appreciate them or their gesture, go ahead and say it. Start with, "I appreciate [you or this].” Assuring someone you value them feels good and can help them feel secure with your relationship. Next, why not own the let-down so they know you get it if they’re a bit bummed? For instance, “I understand that it might feel [disappointing, bad, or uncomfortable]” or a sincere “I’m sorry” sentiment. When we feel emotionally understood, it can be validating. Finally, it’s the boundary. The person inviting or requesting may benefit by hearing that you understood the ask and there isn’t confusion or room for negotiation. For example, “I won’t be [fill-in-the-blank.]."
2. Say “and” instead of “but” when you need either conjunction.
For the boundary recipient, hearing “but” tends to muddy or erase whatever was said before it. If you don’t believe me, think about when you’ve been told the following: “You did a great job, but…” On the other hand, if you say “and” as the conjunction, it allows what follows to add to what was already shared (e.g., “I appreciate you, and…”). When setting limits, every word counts.
3. Instead of “I can’t,” choose “I won’t.”
This vocabulary change is subtle yet powerful. “I can’t” sounds like you’re the victim of forces from outside yourself, whereas “I won’t” comes from within you. Further, saying “I can’t” tends to elicit a gut response of “Why not?” When you have someone in your life who pushes your boundaries, that person could easily interpret your "can't" as merely an obstacle. So they’ll set out to help you find the “can" in the "can't.” “I won’t” conveys your solidity.
4. If you prefer to keep things positive, state a yes instead of a no.
“I’m willing to take on X,” or “I’m glad to do X.” A yes still sets a clear boundary. And if they ask more of you, you can either keep repeating the yes statement or shift to something like, “I’ll be glad to do X, and I won’t be doing Y,” or “I’m able to do X, and I won’t be able to do Y.”
5. Say, "Let me get back to you," if you need to think about your answer or how to communicate it.
Postponing your response is super helpful when you hear your brain screaming, “I don’t want to!” but you're about to say, “OK.” Plus, there are additional perks of using those six words:
- You open the door to responding via text or email later.
- You get to avoid seeing their response and the risk of engaging in a live discussion or negotiation.
6. Keep TMI (too much information) out of your boundaries.
When you go to set your limits, keep it short and gracious. Too many details can confuse people or entice boundary pushers to push.
In the end The above are ideas. As always, pick and choose what feels helpful or hopeful to you and experiment. See how it goes. Keep brainstorming how you can communicate your limits your way.
To read more, go to: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meaningfull/202209/setting-boundaries-self-care-or-selfish
For a list of other self-care options, please go to our COE self-care website for resources for faculty, staff, students, and the community at
https://www.csun.edu/eisner-education/self-care/articles-information-self-care
Being mindful of how to maintain balance and avoid burnout by setting appropriate boundaries in our everyday personal lives is a healthy choice!
Warmly,
Shari